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My New Year’s Gift List (2004)

(To the famous and infamous who keep me supplied with material)

 

Dwain Chambers – British 100m Champion

An NHS Prescription Charge Card -    It is much cheaper to buy your drugs / medication this way and at £96.00 is quite reasonable.   I find that I save a considerable amount over a 12 month period.

  

Claire Short – Ex Cabinet Minister

A crystal ball.   This irritating woman seems to know all of the answers and what will happen now that she is no longer receiving her ministerial salary.   She was, after all, in Mr Blair’s cabinet from the very start of his Government, and even continued when we started bombing Iraq.

 I understand she is to write her autobiography, so I can suggest a title too.   How about, “Claire’s Short Story!”

 

 Rio Ferdinand – The costliest defender in world soccer.

A large handkerchief, so that he can tie a large knot in it.   I find this a very good way of remembering important things I must not forget.   For example, taking my drugs on time, keeping my appointments with the cardiologist and that sort of thing.

  

Nick Faldo – probably the greatest English golfer ever.

A team kit for the Ryder Cup match later this year.   I hope he plays well enough to qualify by right to play in the team.   He has been, and in my opinion still is, a great ambassador for British golf.

  

George Best – Ex Manchester United footballing ‘God’.

A list of all the various transplant sports events which take place throughout the world.   Even if he did not participate, and I don’t know why he can’t, he could get involved and promote all that is good about organ transplants.

 I remember reading an article where he was bragging that he was probably the fittest man of his age group who had underwent a transplant operation.   I can inform him – he is not.   I know a 62 year old runner who has had a transplant, that would leave him standing in the 100m.   If you would like to prove me wrong George, I will see you at the British Transplant Games in July 2004?       Footnote:   The runner is not me!

  

Princess Anne – the keeper of dangerous dogs.

Some military style ‘dog tags’.   She can hang them around the necks of her English Bull Terriers and then will be able to identify which one is guilty of the next ‘murder’.

  

Gary Lineker – former England striker.

A list of prepared questions in advance of next year’s BBC TV Sports Personality of the Year Show.

This may prevent the pregnant pauses and embarrassed looks on the faces of the people he talks to on the show as a result of juvenile questioning.

  

Geoffrey Boycott – former England / Yorkshire master batsman.

A return to good health following his throat cancer.   Not only was ‘Sir’ Geoffrey the best opening batsman we have seen for decades (Atherton and Gooch were good too) but he, along with Ian Botham, is also the best TV commentator.   Apologies to the excellent Richie Benaud.

  

Professor Colin Pillinger – Chief scientist of the Beagle 2 mission to Mars

The Beagle 2 spacecraft.   At the time of composing my list, the Beagle 2 signal has still not been heard from the Martian planet.  I hope if the ‘little green men’ have found it, they get it working again.

As the recently departed Bob Monkhouse said, “Personally, I don’t think there is intelligent life on other planets.   Why should other planets be any different from this one?”

  

Bob Rodgerson – The manager of Percy Main Amateurs FC

The Premier League championship trophy of The Northern Alliance football league.

I am privileged to be a Vice President of this fine amateur soccer team in the north east.   Currently they sit at the top of the league, but the mighty West Allotment Celtic have a few games in hand and will probably pip them to the title.   Nevertheless it is good to see ‘The Villagers’ competing for honours again.

  

Ian Duncan Smith – last leader of the Conservative Party

A megaphone for the self styled quiet man of politics.   Oh dear, I think it is already too late.

  

Michael Howard – present leader of the Conservative Party

A nightshirt and a funny hat with a bobble on the end, which is suitable attire for a man with allegedly, ‘something of the night about him’.

 

 Charles Kennedy – leader of the Liberals or is it the SDP?

An aeroplane ticket for a trip back to his beautiful constituency in Scotland.   “We shall return home and prepare for err……opposition!”

 

 Tony Blair – The Prime Minister

A DVD of ‘Santa, Clause IV – The Movie’.   It’s the nearest he will get to anything remotely socialist.

 

To most civil servants / pen pushers and jobsworths in local government and assorted ‘quangos’.

A bucket full of MBE’s , OBE’s, CBE’s,  Knighthoods and any other ‘honour’ you can think of.   Let’s face it, it must be your turn soon.

 

Sven Goran Eriksson – England football manager

An extension to his existing contract, or has he already been offered one?   Will he still be the boss this time next year?

  

I would like to make the following 12 predictions for the coming year – 2004.

      ·        One or both of Tony Blair or Gordon Brown will not hold their present job by the year end.

·        Manchester United will win the Premiership.

·        Rio Ferdinand will serve at least an 8 months ban, as has just been imposed.

·        Sir Bobby Robson will retire from ‘The Toon’

·        Leeds United will be relegated

·        Oxford or Cambridge will win The Boat Race

·        Celtic will win the SPL and Rangers everything else in Scottish football.

·        Darlington FC will not be playing in the 3^rd division, they might not even be playing.

·        Tiger Woods will win a ‘major’ this season.

·        Colin Montgomerie, unfortunately, will not.

·        Paula Radcliffe will win an Olympic Gold Medal.

·        I will still be writing stuff about Claire Short.

 

I would like to wish everyone who reads my website a very Happy and healthy New Year.

I hope you don’t go out and put any money on 10 of my predictions because I think only 2 of them are guaranteed to be accurate.

If you enjoy the stuff I write, please get in touch.   If you think that I write a lot of self indulgent nonsense – I agree, get in touch anyway.

I could always set up a ‘Readers’ page’!