Joking, a round!

03/07/07 Fancy Another round of Jokes or Golf Chat

As I had the pleasure of playing with Australian professional golfer Glen Haynes for the best part of a week in a Pro-Am event in Mijas - Spain I thought I would seek some helpful tips.
He observed my swing and said," You must be joking".
So I have taken him at his word and hope the following jokes make you chuckle.

Graham Marsh
10 handicap golfer

I am going to try and add a new joke most days - got any you would like to share?
Send via Feedback page - Thank you

Ten years on a deserted island

Ollie was stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!", he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whisky?"

He replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?"

Ollie replies, "Wow! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"

Dave Bavaird and Paul Keenan were sitting at the 19th hole discussing their game when Paul said," My game is so bad this year I had to have my ball retriever regripped !"

Two new members

Saturday night at Willy's monthly quiz night and two players were drinking at the bar and debating which answer to give.

"Excuse me," enquired Lynne from behind the bar, "you're new members, aren't you?"

"Yes," replied one player, "but in all this crowd, how did you know?"

"You put your drinks down."

28

Mothers Day

Bill, Tony, and Eddy gathered for a round of golf on Mother's Day. The men were quite surprised at being "let go" for the day, and each wanted to know how the other got away from their wife.

Bill said, "I purchased a dozen red roses for my wife, and she was so happy that she let me go."

Tony said, "I purchased a diamond ring for my wife, and she was so thrilled with me that she let me go."

Eddy said, "I woke up this morning, rolled over, looked at my wife, and said to her: `Golf course or inter-course,' and she said: 'I'll put your clubs in the car'."

The missed 6" putt

An older couple are playing in the annual club championship. They are playing in a play-off hole, and it is down to a 6 inch putt that the wife has to make. She takes her stance and her husband can see her trembling.

She putts and misses, they lose the match. On the way home in the car her husband is fuming, " I can't believe you missed that putt!" "That putt was no longer than my 'willy'."

The wife just looked over at her husband (Doug) and smiled and said, "yes dear, but it was much harder!"

An office affair

A unnamed member of the 'TOGS' (Tynemouth Old Gits Society) and his secretary were having an affair. One afternoon, they booked into a hotel and had strenuous sex. He wasn't used to the pace, so he fell asleep afterwards and didn't wake up until about 8:30 that night.

He woke up in a panic when he realized he was late, so he said to his secretary, "Quick! While I get dressed, you take my shoes outside and drag them around through the grass and mud." Puzzled, the secretary complied.

When the man got home about 9:30, his wife confronted him and asked him where he was. The man said, "I cannot lie to you. I spent the best part of the day doing my secretary in a hotel room, then I fell asleep, woke up later, and came right home."

His wife looked down at his shoes and said, "You liar ! You've been out playing golf again!"

25

I kept her tee time

Geordie, playing as a single at St Andrews was teamed with a twosome. After a few holes, the twosome finally asked why he was playing such a beautiful course by himself. He replied that he & his wife had played the course every year - for over 20 years - but this year she had passed away and he kept the tee time in her memory.

The twosome commented that they thought certainly someone would have been willing to take her spot. "So did I" he said - "but they all wanted to go to the funeral."

That was my provisional

Bill got a call from the coroner, who wants to talk about his wife's recent death. Bill told him the whole sad story. "We were on the third hole. Sally, my wife, was standing on the ladies tee about 30 yards ahead of the men's box when I hit my drive. From the sound when the ball hit her head and the way she dropped like a rock, I knew immediately that she was dead. God only knows where the ball wound up."

The coroner replied "That explains the injury to her head, but what about the Maxfli embedded in her rectum?"

"Oh," said Bill. "That was my provisional."

Drag George

Doug got home after golf one Sunday afternoon, falls asleep on the couch, and doesn't wake up until about 9 PM. His wife asks why he is so tired. "Well, You remember George, my golfing partner? He died today, on the fourth green."

"That's terrible, it must have been awful" she says. "It sure was," he says, "For the next 14 holes it was drive, drag George, chip, drag George, putt, drag George..."

22

Golf is a mystery to her

To Dave Rowntree's wife, golf was a total mystery. She never could understand why he insisted on tiring himself by walking so far every time he played. One day she went with him to see for herself what the game was about. For six holes she tramped after him.

It was on the thirteenth that he landed in the infamous bunker where he floundered about for some time in the sand. She sat herself down composedly and, as the sand began to fly she happily ventured:

"There, I knew you could just as well play in one place if you made up your mind to!"

21

Immovable obstruction

Daz and Willy are playing one day. On the first hole, Daz hits a wicked slice into the adjoining fairway. The ball hits another player right between the eyes and he drops to the ground.

Daz and Willy rush over to the prostrate Bob Best, and find him unconscious with the ball laying on the ground between his legs.
Daz screams, "Oh my God, what should I do?"

Willy replies; "Don't move him. If you leave him there he becomes an immovable obstruction and, according to the rules, you are allowed a drop two club-lengths away."

20

Low eighties

"I play golf in the low eighties," Archie was telling one of the youngsters at his club.

"Wow," said the young lad, "that's pretty impressive."

"Not really," said Archie, "Any hotter and I'd probably have a stroke."

Use old golf balls

Vic goes for a quick round of golf, and at the first tee, Raff is about to tee off in front of him. Raff takes a brand new ball out of his bag, unwraps it and places it on the tee and slices into the trees.

"Damn!" He reaches into his bag and takes out another brand new ball, unwraps it, and tees it up. Thwack! He then hooks it miles into the bushes.

"Damn!" He stomps back to his bag for another ball, when Vic approaches him. "Err, excuse me, but I notice you're losing a lot of brand new balls. Why don't you use an old one?" Raff looks at Vic.

"Cos I've never bloody had one!"

He's a liar

A group of golfers was searching for one of Vic's golf balls out in the deep rough. After several minutes of labouring, Vic declares he has found his ball, inciting Gordon to scream out,

"He is a damn liar! I have his ball in my pocket!"

Too foggy to see

Two dim-witted golfers are teeing off on a foggy par-3. They can see the flag, but not the green. The first golfer hits his ball into the fog and the second golfer does the same. They proceed to the green to find their balls.

One ball is about 6 feet from the cup while the other found it's way into the cup for a hole-in-one. Both were playing the same type of balls, TopFlite 2, and couldn't determine which ball was which.

They decided to ask the golf pro to decide their fate. After congratulating both golfers on their fine shots, the golf pro asks,

"Which one of you used the orange one ?"

Correct stance

Archie and Ollie emerged from the clubhouse to tee off at the first, but Pottsy looked distracted.

"Anything the matter, mate.'" Archie asked.

"Oh, it's just that I can't stand the club pro," Pottsy replied.

"He's just been trying to correct my stance."

"He's only trying to help your game," Ollie soothed.

"Yeah, but I was using the urinal at the time."

15

Store professional

A golf professional, hired by a big department store to give golf lessons, was approached by two women. "Do you wish to learn to play golf, madam?" he asked one.

"Oh, no," she replied, "it's my friend who's interested in learning. I learned last Wednesday."

14

Lesson with the pro

Now," said the golf pro, "Suppose you just go through the motions without driving the ball."

"But that's precisely the difficulty I'm trying to overcome," said Rosco.

13

I was playing before...

Let me inform you, young man," said the slow elderly golfer to Marshy at Tynemouth, "I was playing this game before you were born."

"That's all very well, but I would be obliged if you tried to finish before I die."

12

An odd cure

Marsh was not feeling well, bad enough that his wife Christine had to go and get the test results from the doctor.

"Now Christine, I don't exactly know what is the problem is -- Marsh may even die if he doesn't get the right treatment. The only thing is the right treatment is going to seem a little strange. He needs to golf as often as he has strength and you need to give him all the sex he can handle." Christine nodded and left. When she got home, Marsh was anxious to find out what his test results were.

"Well Christine, what did Doctor have to say? She looked him straight in the face. "Your going die."

A few quickies.......

11 A golf gift given to you by a non golfer is always completely useless.

10 All forms of wildlife on a golf course are there for the sole purpose of putting you off.

9 The only reason I play golf is to bug my wife. She thinks I am having fun.

Q. What should you do if your round is interrupted by a lightning storm?

A. Walk around with a 1 iron above your head, because even God can't hit a 1 iron!

Always concede the fourth putt.

During a golf lesson the Gordon asked," Is the word spelt P U T T or P U T ?"

"Putt is correct" answered the pro. "Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt is merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."

The Rules of Golf: Law 18.

The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

Junior golfers swing with effortless power, seniors swing with powerless effort.

3 Pro golf tips

You have the ball much too close to you.

After you have hit it.

Tip #2

Following a golf lesson.

"Now go out there and act like you have been listening to me for the past 40 minutes".

Tip #1

Try cutting about 9 inches off each club.

They will fit in the dust bin much more easily.

I am sure you get the idea. If you have any little tips I can pass on to other golfers please send them to me. As long as they are clean I will publish them.

Another round of Jokes

Home

This site was last updated 07/03/07