Another round of Jokes

As I had the pleasure of playing with Australian professional golfer Glen Haynes for the best part of a week in a Pro-Am event in Mijas - Spain I thought I would seek some helpful tips.
He observed my swing and said," You must be joking".
So I have taken him at his word and hope the following jokes make you chuckle. Please keep sending me your jokes.

A young man, his father and his grandfather were about to tee off to start their round when
an incredibly good-looking woman walked up to the tee box. "Would you like to join us
and make a foursome?" asked the grandfather.

"I would, but on one condition," replied the lovely young woman. "I prefer to
select my own clubs and make my own putts without advice from men. Every other time I've
golfed with men, they try to give me advice. Will you agree not to give me advice?"

The men all consented in unison, none of them being particularly good players.

As they soon realized, this young woman was a fabulous golfer. She was getting par on every
hole. The men were wondering who would have the nerve to give her advice!

On the eighteenth hole, the woman found herself facing a 35-foot putt, with a severe
undulation on the green. She studied it, and studied it, and studied it. Finally, she said,
"Gentlemen, I'm very happy that none of you tried to give me advice before this.
I've never played a round with men when at least one of them didn't try to give me
some advice. Right now, if I make this putt, I'll have par for the course, and I'm
asking for your advice. If you help me and I make this shot, I'll sleep with each one of
you!"

The young man rushed over, studied the putt, and said, "You have to aim for that small
bush to the left of the hole, that should be the right break!"

The father ran over and studied the putt, then said, "No, I think you should aim at the
knot on the log to the left of the hole, and that will be the right break!"

The grandfather walked up to the ball. "Heck," he said, calmly picking up the
ball, "that's a gimme."

10th

A Moral Story
(Tony Sarginson starts for home)

I was very happy , my wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over
a year, so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing
bothering me... It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective
sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini-skirts, and generally was
braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always
got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be
deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day her
"little" sister called and asked me to come over to
check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she
whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't
overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I
got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total
shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my
bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I
was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she
reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs
at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the
front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all
clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We
are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for
better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car

9th

The Wonder of golf.
(The Tony Sarginson front nine is complete)

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Tiger asks: "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder replies: "Not too bad. How's the golf?"

"Not too bad," Tiger replies. "I've had some problems with my swing but I think I've got that going right now."

"I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it," says Stevie. "Then the next time I play it seems to be all right."

"You play golf?" Tiger asks, shocked.

"Oh, yes, I've been playing for years," Stevie replies.

Tiger asks: "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

"I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green and once again I play the ball towards his voice." replies Stevie.

"But how do you putt?" asks Tiger.

"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, he shouts out the distance and I just play the ball towards his voice."

"So what's your handicap?" Tiger asks.

Stevie says: "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."

Tiger, incredulous, says to Stevie: "We should play a round some time."

Stevie replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than £10,000 a hole."

Tiger thinks about it and says: "OK, I'm game for that, when would you like to play?"

Stevie says: "Pick a night!

8th

Golfing lingo expressed in terms of celebrity.
(My thanks once more to Tony Sarginson)

General terms:

An Adolf Hitler - taking two shots in a bunker
An Arthur Scargill - a great strike, but a poor result
A Kate Winslett - a bit fat, but otherwise perfect
A Rodney King - over-clubbed
An O.J. Simpson - somehow got away with it
A Condom - safe, but didn't feel real good
A sister-in-law - up there, but I know that I shouldn't be
A Sally Gunnell - ugly, but a good runner
A Paula Radcliffe - not as ugly as a Sally Gunnell, but still a good runner
A Kate Moss - a bit thin
A Gerry Adams - when you hit a 'provisional'

Putting lingo:

A Dennis Wise - a nasty 5 footer
A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read
A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't

7th

Trouble in the shed
(Anonymous - but thank you)

My wife and I teed off on hole number 4, par 5, at my local golf club and her shot was straight down the fairway. My drive sliced into the hall of an old barn off the fairway left there by the course developer for nostalgic purposes. Since my wife out drove me she remained on the fairway while I ventured into barn looking for my ball. Finding it at the rear of the barn I decided to hit it back through the hall of the barn into the fairway and hit my third shot from there. When I hit my second shot the ball ricocheted off the hall of the barn back up the fairway, struck my wife in the head and killed her.

Two months later I ran into and old friend and related the story of my wife's untimely demise. He said "that must have been a terrible experience". I said, "Yes it was, I took a 7 on that hole and finished with with a 90".

6th

TOP TEN CADDY REPLIES
(courtesy of Tony Sarginson)

10- Golfer: "I Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."

Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

9- Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."

Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

8- Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"

Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

7- Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"

Caddy: "Eventually."

6 Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."

Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

5- Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."

Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

4- Golfer: "How do you like my game?"

Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

3- Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"

Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

2- Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."

Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

1- Best Caddy Comment .. Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."

Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

Darryl being a bit of a smoothie, at the 'TOGS' annual dance was bragging to another man's pretty wife.......(oh yes he was!)

"Well, where do you want me to start ?" was the reply he deserved and promptly received by the unnamed lady.

I've just killed my wife," sobbed the hysterical unnamed 'TOG' rushing into the clubhouse. "I didn't see her. She was right behind me," he cried, " I started my back swing and smacked her right between the eyes. She probably died straight away."

03/07/07 Fancy Joking Around or Golf Chat