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My New Year’s Gift List (2005)

(To the famous and infamous who keep me supplied with material)

           " You just don't sack Sir Bobby Robson"
           " All North East women are dogs"
           " Alan Shearer's nickname should be Mary Poppins"
           " Toon supporters are mugs for paying these prices for replica shirts".
"There is no sympathy among the Premiership for teams competing outside the top flight"
"Many of them will have to go part time"
"When we've got 52,000 fans at each home game, the last thing we're worried about is teams in the third division"
           " How much do you charge pet?"
           " Would you like another one Dougy?"

"What arrogant nonsense" ....that was me!

          The best quote which puts everything into perspective was attributed to the late, great      Australian cricketer Keith Miller who died in 2004.
          
"I'll tell you what pressure is.   Pressure is a Messerschmitt up your arse. Playing cricket is not"

I reckon that quote puts sport into it's rightful place.

        A copy of 'War and Peace' to see if  she can finish it.  
       Just kidding Paula.    I for one think you are a wonderful runner.
  

Yes I know this is the same as last year, but the offer still stands.

A list of all the various transplant sports events which take place throughout the world.   Even if he did not participate, and I don’t know why he can’t, he could get involved and promote all that is good about organ transplants.

 I remember reading an article where he was bragging that he was probably the fittest man of his age group who had underwent a transplant operation.   I can inform him – he is not.   I know a 63 year old runner who has had a transplant, that would leave him standing in the 100m.   If you would like to prove me wrong George, I will see you at the British Transplant Games in August 2005?       Footnote:   The runner is not me!

Update 25th November 2005:

Sadly George Best died today.   I offer my sincere sympathies to his family and friends.   Despite his many off field problems Best was a footballing genius.  I shall remember George Best as the greatest footballer ever to have emerged from the UK.   I reckon he is only second to Pelé in the all time list of great players.

Continued good health following his throat cancer.   Not only was ‘Sir’ Geoffrey the best opening batsman we have seen for decades (Atherton and Gooch were good too) but he, along with Ian Botham, is also the best TV commentator.   Apologies to the excellent Richie Benaud.  

I know it's too late, but cricket needs a home and 'pay to view' cricket is crackers.   It will all end in tears just as England are becoming a force in world cricket again.
 

A very tiny urn containing The Ashes.   I would love it if we could beat the Aussies this summer and win back The Ashes.   We will give them a run for their money, I am certain of that, but unfortunately some bloke in a baggy green cap will hold them aloft at The Oval in early September.  

At least we are recognised as the second best team in world cricket after years of being hopeless.
 

A pair of slippers and a typewriter for his retirement.   There is no way he will finish the year as leader of the Conservative Party.   There might not even be a Conservative Party!

His party could well be the official opposition in place of the now defunct Conservative party.   An aeroplane ticket for a trip back to his beautiful constituency in Scotland.   “We shall return home and prepare for err……opposition!”

A third term?   Who knows.     An instruction booklet about democracy in the free world and possibly a map of the House of Commons so that he he can improve on his dismal record of voting after debates in the Chamber.
 

A pair of bathroom scales.   He can then check his wait regularly.   Let's face it GB, you have been hanging around for the top job for 8 years now.   How much longer can a man wait?
 

Here is a man with the answer to the above.   A pack of playing cards so that he can play patience whilst he too is waiting for the top job to come his way.

Good health and long may you reign over us!

A font to put all of her knowledge into.   She is the undisputed Mrs clever clogs of politics and the self righteous know all of Westminster who resigned on a matter of principle at the start of the war in Iraq.

Whoops.    My mistake, she did not resign at that point at all,    She clung on to power until her position in the cabinet became, as the phrase goes, untenable.

Her P45 from the BBC.   Why should we, the licence payer, put up with an overpaid, pompous, unfunny ginger pseudo dominatrix who insults members of the public.   Let's hope that she never needs to spend time in a care home in either Wales or Liverpool.   Will she need to hide her jewellery and cash?

On visiting his local library he will discover that there have been many books written by lots of other authors other than himself.    Are you puzzled?   On Desert Island Discs his choice of book was his own autobiography.   How sad is that?

 To most civil servants / pen pushers and jobsworths in local government and assorted ‘quangos’.

A bucket full of MBE’s , OBE’s, CBE’s,  Knighthoods and any other ‘honour’ you can think of.   Let’s face it, it must be your turn soon.

I would like to make the following predictions for the coming year – 2005.

The Prophecies of Nostramarshus.

      ·        Gordon Brown will not hold his present job by the year end.

·    Chelsea will win the Premiership.

·        Oxford or Cambridge will win The Boat Race

●   The 2012 Olympic Games will be awarded to Paris.

·        Australia will win The Ashes......unfortunately!

·        Tiger Woods will win a ‘major’ this season.

●   Colin Montgomerie might win a 'major' this year.   Come on Monty!

●   There will be a general election sooner rather than later.

●   Michael Howard will not be the next Prime Minister.

●   Newcastle United will not finish in the top 8 of the Premiership.

●   Michael Schumacher will...............it's obvious isn't it?

●   Tim Henman will not.......................see above!

●   David Beckham will not stay at Real Madrid.

●   The FA will appoint a new chairman.

●   Marks & Spencer will be the subject of a hostile takeover bid.

●   Manchester United.....ditto above.

●   Stuart Downing of Middlesboro' will become an England regular.

●   Wayne Rooney will grow up.  

●   Sven Goran Eriksson will marry Nancy.

●   My last 2 predictions were  jokes!

 I would like to wish everyone who reads my website a very Happy and healthy New Year.

I hope you don’t go out and put any money on my predictions because I think only 2 of them are guaranteed to be accurate.

If you enjoy the stuff I write, please get in touch.   If you think that I write a lot of self indulgent nonsense – I agree.    Get in touch anyway.

I could always set up a ‘Readers’ page’!